With these kinds of statistics, its easy to see how complex it can be when people think they want a divorce, they have difficulty identifying how a truly viable divorce reason might be defined. Wanting happiness through marriage and wrestling with what may seem an inevitable outcome (a divorce), can be emotionally and mentally challenging. After all, it is human nature to want to feel nurtured and secure, no matter where you live!

So, if you’re thinking about getting a divorce, what are truly valid reasons for actually getting a divorce?

Each government has different laws defining the difference between ‘fault’ and ‘no-fault’ divorce reasons that have enough merit that allow for the divorce to be granted. While it makes sense for you to keep this in mind when deciding whether or not to get a divorce because there may be financial considerations to think of, you should first focus on defining your own emotional or “personal” divorce reasons, regardless of what the local governing body says.

If you ask 100 people how they define viable reasons for wanting a divorce, you’ll most likely get 100 different answers because they’ll answer you from their perspective, not yours. Sure, there may be similarities to the way you feel in some of those answers about ‘real’ divorce reasons, you may even agree with some. But, the real answers to this question can only come from you. You have to figure out what reason or reasons would be viable in your mind in order to actually go through your decision about getting a divorce or staying married.

Some reasons that people give for getting a divorce, or wanting a divorce, are purely selfish and have no substance. An example of a reason for wanting a divorce that has no substance is not liking the fact that your spouse has constant unfounded jealousy. There is a deeper problem that exists here, and in the case of this example, it could be that the spouse who constantly feels jealousy has a confidence problem or some sort of ‘fear of loss’. Whatever the case, the divorce reason in this example clearly isn’t viable and should relatively easy to fix.

Often times when people give ’surface’ or flimsy reasons for wanting a divorce, they really have much deeper feelings about something and they’re just using the shallow divorce reason as an avoidance of some kind. Or, they give these ‘foundation-less’ reasons for wanting a divorce because they actually aren’t aware that there are other deeper rooted reasons that are the cause of the way they feel now.

Common reasons that cause people to think about or want to get a divorce:

*Couple has conflicting personal beliefs
*Couple’s marital satisfaction decreases
*Desertion
*Adultery
*Cruel treatment
*Bigamy
*Imprisonment
*Spousal Indignities
*Institutionalization
*Irretrievable Breakdown of some kind

Of course, you should add your own reasons to the list for wanting a divorce, better yet, make your own list of what may be ‘valid’ reasons. Solid divorce reasons for wanting or going through a divorce usually come from some sort of occurrence, behavioral pattern, and/or change in the viewpoint of the marriage itself.

In order to really make a smart divorce decision, you should first list the reasons that you have for wanting a divorce, then examine those divorce reasons for true viability. Then come back to it that list in a day or so. Chances are you will be able to scratch a few of those reasons for wanting a divorce off the list because they were identified purely from an emotional viewpoint rather than logic.

If you are thinking about getting a divorce, and haven’t clearly identified what reasons you have for feeling the way you do, you’ll be doing yourself a ‘dis-service’ if you act without carefully examining the viability each designated divorce reason. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting a divorce, make sure that you are certain that your reasons are truthfully viable to you before you act on them.

Author of “A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce”, the eBook recommended by counselors to their clients. Proven “Actions Items” to help you decide!
Deciding on Divorce
reasons for divorce

After 25 years of marriage, I decided that I did not want to be married to my wife. We had drifted apart and in the last few years, things were getting worse. We had little in common anymore… including friends. By and large, mine were different from hers. She would go away on her weekends and I would go on mine. Other than our children, whom we both love very much, we were just a couple living together. She is still a good woman, just not one I wanted to be married to. There had to be something else… Sound familiar?

As our situation unfolded, she retained an attorney early on and we began negotiations in earnest within a month of separation. Sure we had our differences! But with an open line of communication available, we (her attorney and I) talked out our problems and came to an agreement within a few months.

I felt confident in representing myself after performing a few hours of research on the internet. And you bet, I was prepared to bail out and get an attorney too. But having done the research, nothing that came up was a surprise at all. I was very pleasantly surprised and amazed. I found that many things were already prescribed by statute as being pretty cut and dried. Child support? Maintenance? In NY, where I live, it was a matter of using past incomes to arrive at an appropriate level. The method and level were already set.

When it seemed to be all sorted out, I went to an attorney that a friend recommended highly. He had an offer of the first consultation costing only $50. for a one half hour conference. All I did was take the agreement to him for review. At the consultations conclusion, his exact words were “It seems that you have a pretty good handle on this. If you can get this signed and executed, you don’t need me. Just call me if anything changes.” Frankly I was overwhelmed! I had just saved $3,000. minimum! Money that could be used to put MY kids through college, not his!

I don’t really know how unique my situation was. Hence, I do credit some luck on my part, as I said in the article summary. But it wasn’t difficult.

I have performed a few legal services for myself in the past such as setting up a corporation, partnership, and purchase agreements. I believe that a person of reasonable intelligence can save an incredible amount of money on legal services, if they will do the research and use the preprinted legal forms that so many attorneys use themselves. It helps if you have gone through similar situations in the past. But had I ever had a divorce? Heck no! I had been married for over 25 years.

But here’s the catch, I don’t have a degree in law either! I urge you to not take this as a slam on attorneys. They have an excellent purpose in society, in spite of the jokes. I had the comfort level that allowed me to proceed beyond what I had anticipated I could. It won’t work for everyone. Certainly, not everyone has that comfort level. It worked for me.

As a result of his life experiences, the author, George R Devendorf, was able to save several thousand dollars in legal fees. As a result, Mr. Devendorf has created a website to help others that feel able to represent themselves in certain legal matters. http://www.GotLegalHelp.com offers downloadable legal forms that are the same forms used by attorneys themselves! Whether your issue is Divorce, Incorporation, Last Will & Testament, Prenuptial Agreement, or Bankruptcy, GLH forms are available for most states.

Step 1:

Don’t act (pretend) to impress. You need to be yourself! If she sees that you’re only trying to impress her, she may lose interest. Try to pretend that she is just a acquaintance and you aren’t trying to win her over, and perhaps you’ll be comfortable enough to more easily be yourself.

Second Step:

Remember – 1st impressions matter! You have to make your date feel like you’re not a lousy or boring partner. You shouldn’t speak to much – and try to balance the conversation. Don’t just say yes or no to her inquiries, but you also do not want to state your life story either. If you merely lecture about yourself, then you will sound highly conceited and dull!

Step Three -

You need to look confident on your first singles date. You need to make her feel like you are intelligent and entertaining. When you talk, you need to sound confident, but not vain. Don’t make her dislike you before she gets to know you! You don’t wish to make your 1st date, your last date!

For my last point – you need to have fun with dating online! Try and forget your nerves, and concerns. Pretend like your not even on a date – but instead, simply hanging out with your friend. Hopefully your first date will be a memorable one.

Finding a good makeup artist

When you’re looking for someone to do your makeup for your wedding, you want to listen to your friends and family for referrals. If someone’s name keeps popping up, then you will want to schedule a consultation with them to see what they are like and what they can do for you.

Even if you’re not starting off with a list of people to turn to, you can go through the phone book and start calling to see who does bridal parties. If you have bridesmaids that you want to have makeup for as well, you may want to invite one of them along for help.

Have the makeup artist do your face in the way that you would want for your wedding day. Be specific about what you want and see how they respond. This should be free at first, so be sure to ask a lot of questions, find out the pricing and if she or he will go to the hotel or if everyone needs to go to the salon.

Here’s the key to finding out if the artist is any good for you: have your bridesmaid take a picture of your face in the outdoors and indoors. This will help you to see if you will look good in your pictures, or if you need to find someone else.

If you don’t normally wear makeup

It’s okay if you don’t wear makeup on an everyday basis. Most times, the artists will just make sure that you don’t have any visible blemishes or scars for your pictures as well as enhance your eyes and smile. You should tell the artist if you’re uncomfortable with anything that they’re doing; so that you find someone that will work with you, rather than just do what they think is best.

Even if you end up doing your own makeup, you should be putting your best face forward for your wedding pictures. If there’s a feature on your face that you particularly like, draw attention to that. You can read magazines for advice or have a bridesmaid paint your face and try new things on you.

Amy Spade is an expert on planning weddings, and she has written an amazing totally free minicourse on how to make sure that you have the day of your dreams and avoid wedding day disaster! Get the free course now by clicking Your Special Day from Start

(Names of couple), we are gathered here today for a very special occasion. Your family and friends have blessed you with their presence to witness this divine ceremony. It is a ceremony of bondingof bonding with love and joy. (Names of Couple), every relationship is like a bridge that is supported by two separate foundations. If you are strong by yourselves, and you communicate constructively, your bridge, that is your relationship together, will flow with life’s many lessons and remain standing strong and proud for a very long time.

The following thoughts and guidelines will help you be a strong foundation for your relationship. (Name of Couple):

1. You are here to be your individual selves and to experience life to the fullest.

2. You have the free will and the power to be whatever you want in your life.

3. What you do and say does make a difference.

4. Speak and act from your heart.

5. Be the designer and master of your life.

6. Follow your path of joy.

7. Do what makes you happy and excited.

8. Live in the now and have fun.

9. Know that you are worthy of all that you desire.

10. Listen inside yourself for your truths.

11. Accept responsibility for all your feelings.

12. Understand that fears are False Evidence Appearing Real.

13. Release your fears and judgments.

14. Know that you have your problems in order to learn lessons.

15. Everything you do enhances your life through the wisdom you gain from it.

16. Forgive yourself for all the things you have done which you feel were wrong.

17. You do deserve a fantastic relationship.

18. Take the responsibility to love yourself.

19. Love yourself no matter what you say and how you feel.

20. Self love is the key to your health, happiness and success.

21. Depend on yourself to fulfill your needs.

22. Be your own best friend.

23. Measure your success for each day not by how much you have done, but by how much you have loved.

24. Be the person you want your partner to be.

25. Know that you are primarily together to learn unconditional love and for the joy of sharing with each other what you already have.

26. Focus on the essence which is love instead of the form which is the relationship.

27. Be patient with yourselves and each other.

28. If you are upset, look to see what your partner is mirroring in you.

29. Then explore what you need to do to remember that you are love and you have it all.

30. Experience inner peace, your greatest contribution to world peace.

Let’s now honor these truths by lighting these special candles, (bride and groom light candles.) and with this sacred drink (drink grape juice with arms encircled).

Now please face each other. Repeat your chosen vows as you place a ring on your beloved’s finger.

(Name), I promise to:

1. Communicate clearly so that you can know how I feel and what I want.

2. Listen to you when you talk to me, and then you will want to keep sharing your thoughts and feelings.

3. Keep clearing my resentments with you so that we can continue to feel close.

4. Release my anger constructively and then tell you calmly what I am angry about or if I feel hurt or frightened.

5. Help solve our problems with win-win solutions.

6. Keep my agreements and tell you the truth so that you can trust me.

7. Take responsibility for all my feelings and behavior.

8. Forgive myself for all my wrongdoings, and accept that I deserve a fantastic relationship.

9. Accept you the way you are even though you may be different than me.

10. Understand that what you say or do is a reflection of you and not of me.

11. Be patient with you, and forgive you when you make mistakes.

12. Encourage you to explore your unique interests, talents, and potential.

13. Spend quality time with you, and then you will be convinced that you are important to me.

14. Treat you as I would my best friend.

15. Compliment and appreciate you, and tell you how much I care.

16. Balance my life between work and play, and encourage you to do the same.

17. Continue to seek excitement, fun, and the magic of life with you.

18. I promise, my beloved, to love you unconditionally.

(Song of love)

With the power invested in me by God, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may seal your commitment with a kiss.
(Couple faces guests)
Loving Guests, I would like to introduce to you a very blessed couple:

Mr. & Mrs.___________.

Note: For more information about relationships, note Helene’s booklet and e-book: “A Promise of Love” and her tape: “Fantastic Relationships.”

©1997 by Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, Marriage, Family Therapist, speaker, author – www.helenerothschild.com

HELENE ROTHSCHILD, MS, MA, MFT, is a Marriage, Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, author, teacher, workshop facilitator, and speaker.

She offers empowering telephone, internet, and in-person healing sessions for all issues including: healing your body, relationships, career, prosperity, weight loss and parenting. Helene developed her own unique process, HART: Holistic and Rapid Transformation, which goes right to the core. She teaches HART classes and independent studies.

She is the author of Personal Success ~ an interactive online self-help program, many articles (free articles) and over 85 inspirational and self-help books, booklets, e-books, tapes, posters, and cards–close to a million have been sold worldwide. Helene has appeared numerous times in the media (including international CNN), and hosted her own local radio and television shows. All of her educational materials, classes and services support her mission of helping people to feel more loving, peaceful, fulfilled, healthy, happy, and empowered.

http://www.helenerothschild.com

As a professional wedding photographer and a certified computer systems administrator I will offer some recommendations about the best way to protect digital wedding images.

1. Star by formatting the flash cards and/or micro drives in the camera that you will use to take the photos. Even when it is possible to format the flash cards in your computer using a flash card reader it can lead to compatibility issues and data loss.

2. Although flash cards are very resistant to abuse it is always better to play it safe and keep them away from shock, heat, and magnetic sources.

3. Once you return from the wedding download the images to your computer. Once they are downloaded, browse through the images to ensure they were successfully downloaded and then create backups to CD and/or DVD. Never browse through your images on the Flash card. In our studio we create two DVD copies of the files and we also copy them to two different hard drives on different computers. One of the DVD copies is stored at a different location.

4.A Computer RAID (Redundant Array of Independent (or Inexpensive) Disks offers a great deal of fault tolerance to protect your data. There are several levels of RAID and each of them offers different levels of data protection. For practical and common implementation I am going to discuss the most common types of RAID:

Level 1: Mirroring and Duplexing: requires two drives and the data is written (mirror) on the two drives simultaneously. If one of the drives fails the data can be recovered from the good drive.

Level 5: Block Interleaved Distributed Parity: This is one of the most common and solid implementations of RAID. It requires a minimum of 3 drives and allows the data to be written across all of the drives. If one of them fails you simply replace the failed drive and the RAID is automatically rebuilt.

Most operating systems allow you to build some form of RAID however if the OS fails you also lose the RAID. The recommended RAID is trough the use of a RAID card.

5. Tape backup offers a very solid way of backing up your files and operating system. It has been around for a long time and has proved to be the most reliable form of backup. Tapes are very portable and make the storage at outside locations very convenient. Tape backups require a backup program what makes scheduling backups and automating the process easy.

6. Offsite FTP Backups Can also be set automated using computer programs. At a set time interval or continuously the computer that holds the data connects to a remote location server and uploads the files. The main disadvantage is that they create a lot of Internet traffic and in the case of wedding photographers that store gigabytes of images the transfer time can become prohibitive.

In Part 2 I will discuss additional strategies to protect your beautiful wedding photos.

Juan Carlos Torres is a very respected and awarded wedding photographer in Oregon.
He has a Masters Degree in Remote Sensing with a strong background in digital
image processing and photography. He is a member of the several professional photographer
organizations including the Professional Photographers of America, the Professional
Photographers of Oregon, the Wedding Photojournalist Association, and the Oregon
Wedding Photo Guild. His wedding photographs are unique and very artistic and
have been featured in national and international magazines. For a sample of his
works please visit Eugene Oregon Wedding
Photographer and Portland Oregon
Wedding Photographer For a discussion on wedding photography see our Blog
at Oregon
Wedding Photographer

You may want to use wedding poetry as part of your wedding announcements, invitations and thank-you notes. When you use wedding poetry in these ways you have added very meaningful words and thoughts.

Another way to use wedding poetry is to incorporate it into the wedding ceremony or vows. Special wedding poetry can make the ceremony unique.

If you are giving gifts to the wedding party or wedding guests you may want to consider using wedding poetry. Wedding poetry makes these gifts even more memorable.

The bride and groom may want to use wedding poetry to include in their cards to each other. Wedding poetry is also nice when used in notes to parents or other special family members.

You might wonder where to find wedding poetry. There are several places to find wedding poetry.

If you are creative you may want to write the wedding poetry yourself. A friend or family member may have a talent for writing wedding poetry. You can even take classes in poetry writing and hone your skills.

A great place to look for wedding poetry is online. You will find many ideas for wedding poetry on wedding sites.

Look for wedding poetry in books at your local bookstore or library. You may find just the perfect wedding poetry when you do a little research.

Wedding consultants may have suggestions of places to find wedding poetry. You can also look through wedding magazines to find examples of wedding poetry.

If you know what message you want to convey but are not able to write the wedding poetry yourself there is another possibility. You may be able to hire a wedding poetry writer. There are talented writers who will write wedding poetry for a fee.

For those who want to use wedding poetry as a way to make their wedding even more beautiful, there are many ways to accomplish this goal.

“Why should I give up superiority for mere equality? I have worked at developing my feminine traits and my human abilities. So as a woman, I am superior. But as a man, I’m a failure.

Why waste my time trying to be something I’m not? I can compete well with men in terms of some of my human abilities. But just as men can never compete with women in terms of feminine traits, I can never compete with men in terms of masculine traits.

And since I used to counsel a group of gay and lesbian people, I can say with authority that if you knew what female impersonators or sex-change people went through mentally, emotionally, and physically, you wouldn’t think it was so easy for men to compete with women at being female.

I’ll never be as strong as most men-they generally have 300% the upper-body strength of most women! And I’ll never have the masterful presence of a man, no matter how powerful a presence I present as a woman.

During the many years before I met Joel, I functioned as father and mother to five of my children. I was only able to fulfill the father role by telling my children stories of how wonderful their father was, and how much he loved them, and was proud of them. But I couldn’t BE a father to them; only a faithful mom.

Physically, beyond the obvious gender differences, men are jointed differently from women, which enables them to excel at certain activities that women find more difficult-though a woman’s special jointing enables her to do things well that a man finds more difficult.

Which makes my point: Each gender has gender-specific qualities, as well as human attributes.

In fact, if a pathologist finds a single human bone, he can tell whether it was from a male or a female. A geneticist examining a single human cell can tell whether it is male or a female.

So I believe in being the best of what I can be. That includes my feminine qualities, and it includes my human qualities. For this reason, I am a very strong woman, emotionally and mentally. I am not in conflict with myself or with the people around me.

I am busy being me, and getting happier and more fulfilled with each passing year.”

N’omi is really that wonderful woman, powerful and focused on fulfilling her potential-in her own life, and in our life together.

So what do N’omi and I have? Are we equal? No, because equal means the same. Men and women are not the same.

The only way in which all people are “created equal” is that we all have the same 24 hours a day in which to make decisions about who we have decided to be.

Marriage is not 1 + 1 = 2. That would be equality. Marriage is a partnership, to which each partner brings a different assortment of qualities: character traits, aptitudes, attributes, opinions, beliefs, and other accumulated stuff that makes them who they are.

In fact, this means that no two humans, regardless of gender, are really “equal” when they meet.

But in marriage, you are joining two very different sets of qualities, and adding gender qualities to the equation. This is a volatile mix because marriage is a partnership of unequals, not an equality of two identical parties.

We need to discard the idea that “unequal” means one is superior and one inferior. That’s NOT what it means.
“Unequal” just means “not the same,” or “different.” And anyone can see that every human is different from every other human.

Furthermore, many studies-psychological and physiological-show that men have many traits in common with each other that they don’t share with women.

And many similar studies show that women have many traits in common with each other that they don’t share with men.

Bottom Line: Marriage is a partnership, but not an equality. As a partnership, it consists of two very different people who bring different qualities to the relationship.

These qualities are of two kinds: Personal and gender. personal qualities are individual and not gender-specific. But there are gender-specific qualities that exist and must be recognized for what they are before true partnership can blossom.

Remember: Men and women are two races that share the same planet, but not much else! To get along happily, they have to learn about what’s unchangeable-in their own and in their mate’s nature-and what can be modified.

Then they will stop blaming, and start working together. That’s partnership!

http://AwesomeMarriage.com – Dr. Joel Orr, “The Marriage Fixer,” has been counseling and coaching married couples for over 25 years. His book of practical tips for marriage, “Every Man a Hero, Every Woman a Coach” (http://www.everymanahero.com) – was recently published.

Once almonds and dragees have been consumed from bomboniere nets, very few guests will actually keep the material and ribbon. Equally, once the candy, sweets or chocolate has been enjoyed from favour boxes and bags, do people actually keep the containers? Although many would, it is worth considering a favour for your guests that has a practical as well as thoughtful purpose.

Why not go for tea or coffee wedding favours? Champagne wedding favours? Wine wedding favours? Or cocktail wedding favours?

Tea wedding favours is a broad heading for a wide range of products you could offer your guests at your reception. Did you know that tea is one of the most popular drinks in the world? As so many couples are looking for something different for their wedding reception, why not keep up with the drinking trends and offer guests this alternative to traditional wedding favours?

Many couples are choosing ‘Perfect Blend’ loose tea, the bag of which can be personalised with the names of the bride and groom along with their wedding date. You can also choose from a range of backgrounds from Pastel Hearts to Beach Chairs and from Roses to Trees. These offer couples a stylish gift at a reasonable price. Just think, guests recall your happiness as they enjoy a rich, traditional blend of tea months after your big day.

Some couples are more enamoured with decorated flower, shoe or purse sugar cubes [although these are not especially practical and are not personalised].

You can also purchase many flavored boxed teas and offer guests these as an alternative wedding favour. On the other hand, you may be impressed by Gourmet tea tins, designer pewter tea infusers, mint tea sets or mini tea tins. When it comes to tea wedding favours, the list truly is endless.

Equally as warming, unique and delicious are coffee wedding favours. Coffee is such a widely used drink that offering guests personalised coffee favours keeps brides very much at the forefront of consumer tastes. It also guarantees to keep guests talking due to its diversity! Long after you say your vows, guests can enjoy an exclusive blend of the finest coffee whilst remembering your special day.

As with tea wedding favours, coffee wedding favours come with a range of different coloured and patterned backgrounds. Whichever you choose, you are assured of a fabulous response from your guests as they delight in receiving your coffee wedding favours.

If you are feeling a bit more daring, a truly different type of wedding favour is a cocktail wedding favour. Perhaps reserve sweets, candy or chocolate for the younger guests, but for the adults, wine wedding favours, champagne wedding favours and cocktail wedding favours give your wedding a fun twist.

As with packets of tea and coffee favours, cocktail wedding favours come in personalised packages containing a cocktail drink mix! There are several flavored varieties to choose from and these ensure that your wedding is keeping up with the latest trends!

When it comes to wine wedding favours, there are lots of different ways of providing guests with a ‘boozy’ gift. Whether you are looking for a chrome heart wine stopper with a chrome tuxedo heart corkscrew, or a wine glass candle or a personalised wine label, you can no doubt find a wine wedding favour to suit you.

The favour of all favours, has to be the champagne wedding favour. Personalised bottles of champagne are a great way to set a lavish theme to your wedding. Champagne wedding favour glasses can also be given as elegant favours, often personalised with the names of the bride and groom. What exquisite taste your guests will think you have if you go for champagne wedding favours! And why not, after all, it’s probably the biggest party you will ever host in your lives!

Whether you opt for a tea wedding favour or a coffee wedding favour, a cocktail wedding favour, wine wedding favour or a champagne wedding favour, you are guaranteed to impress your guests with your luxury and diversity.

(c) World of Wedding Favours

This article is brought to you by “World of Wedding Favours” – Offering brides high quality wedding favours and bomboniere at low-cost prices. To view our vast range of wedding favours to suit your special occasion please visit: http://www.World-of-Wedding-Favours.com

Many times, lack of fights, disagreements, arguments, and dissention is strongly connected to lack of passion and desire. I’m certainly not advocating open war with “no holds barred” because that kills passion and desire, also. But the absence of heated arguments is often correlated to the absence of strong sexual feelings.

Over the years, I have worked in counseling with numerous spouses who have prided themselves on having a calm marriage with few rifts. Usually by the time they came to see me, it was because the marriage felt empty and without passion.

The spouses cared about each other but there was no spark of sexual desire. The spouses felt like siblings or best friends but not lovers. Their relationship was polite, placid, easygoing, routine, and predictably lifeless.

Why does the avoidance of conflict negatively impact sexual desire in a relationship? It would seem that always getting along well would mean better sex, but that’s not the case at all. That’s because the “always getting along well” is just on the surface in many cases.

When a couple never has heated arguments or disagreements, it usually means that one or the other is burying their real feelings. At least one spouse, and maybe both, is giving in to the other one, either to keep the peace or because it’s easier than resisting.

Usually, one partner routinely gives in to the other the majority of the time in cases like this. That means that the spouse who is committed to keeping the peace at all costs is not fully expressing his (or her) unique individuality. Something is missingthe butting of heads that occurs when two independent strong-willed people live together and have to compromise and reach agreement about things that they disagree on.

When a spouse stuffs her (or his) angry, negative feelings in a closet and shuts the door, she may think she has handled things in a helpful way. She has preserved the peace and made marital life smoother for the time being. At the time, she may tell herself that her negative feelings don’t matter and that she has done the “right” thing by avoiding conflict. She has been a “good wife.”

But the anger and negative feelings keep growing larger in the dark closet where they have been stuffed away. Eventually, as more anger and negative feelings are put in the closet, they may push open the door and flood outmost likely in an inappropriate way and at an inappropriate time.

It may be something small that is the trigger for the emotional outburst where everything tumbles out into the daylight for all to see. It doesn’t take a lot of big incidents for this to happenjust a bit here and there over timefeelings that are never expressed or dealt with so that the person could be a “good spouse.”

By the time the feelings are finally expressed, resentment and anger have accumulated and have already damaged the emotional intimacy in the relationship. The build up of emotional debris from unresolved issues can smother the flames of passion. And anger growing underground can suck the air and life out of a relationship.

When a spouse tries to stifle her (or his) angry feelings, the vital life force energy and passion is also stifled. It’s not possible to bury negative feelings without also affecting the positive ones. Everything is connected.

If anger and resentment are buried, the capacity of the individual to experience desire and passion is also affected. This includes desire and passion for the partner and for life in general.

One of the tip-offs is the word “should”: “I should be a ‘good wife’ and not disagree,” “I should be a ‘good husband’ and not rock the boat too much,” or “I should always try to keep the peace and avoid causing arguments.” When you find yourself trying to make yourself do something because you “should,” there are probably some other opposing feelings that need to be examined and expressed in an appropriate way.

The key is to express feelings at the time they first emerge but to do it in an appropriate way that allows you and your spouse to deal with them and resolve them. Then you’ll avoid the build up of anger and resentment that can sabotage your sexual relationship and kill your sexual desire. You’ll also avoid the depression that comes from routinely stifling your feelings and preferences as well as the unplanned explosions that can result later on.

The road to great sex starts with satisfying emotional intimacy, and it’s maintained by expressing feelings appropriately and keeping the channels of communication as clear and debris-free as possible. For that to be possible, feelings have to be acknowledged and dealt with, not buried.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com , where you can sign up for a free weekly marriage advice newsletter. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to spouses who want to overcome marriage problems and create a rewarding, loving marriage.